More than once, I’ve found myself asking “What am I even doing?”. I wish I could say that I have the answer, but if I did this wouldn’t be my own personal therapy session. While this is an ongoing answer, I thought I’d share how God has shown me my purpose. He
It all started when I was set to return from maternity leave. All of the emotions of leaving a newborn, trying to pump at work, remembering my passwords, packing everything, so many dishes(!), let alone remembering how to do my actual job…all while on very little sleep. (Smiles on the outside!) I went into full panic mode. I even thought about other career options that wouldn’t be so demanding of me.
Inhale. Exhale. I prayed about it. A LOT. I was determined to find a better version of myself that could do it all. After all, what can’t super mom do?! Well sometimes super mom is super tired and she wants to be not so super. And that’s okay. So I worked at trying to manage my own anxiety by not owning it by myself. I may not be the best at giving it ALL every time, but I’m getting better.
So I found my days ticking away, didn’t feel like I had the answer to my prayer yet. I did my best to remain positive, but inside I wasn’t ready. I wanted more time for cuddles and feeling like a “good” mom by being more present. I kept thinking “this HAS to be what God wants me to do right????” But I wasn’t getting any further towards a different answer than I was to start with. Eventually, defeated, my time ran out. I prepared myself mentally and physically for the oncoming reality. On the outside, I was ready. On the inside, my nose crinkled at the thought.
I decided to accept my reality. God never did send me the sign I was looking for, so I might as well push forward.
I’m sure you can guess, I remembered my passwords and how to do my job just fine. This was my third time to return from maternity leave…so knew what to expect already. In fact, there were so many happy to see me back. I spent the first week or two catching back up with my patients on my newest addition. As it turned out, they missed me while I was gone.
There it was. The sign I was looking for…except it wasn’t the sign I expected. I am good at my job, I have made a difference in so many peoples lives, and I almost forgot my value. God called me YEARS ago to this career…and it’s what I’m meant to do and who I’m meant to be to glorify His name.
I got caught up in the plan that I had made for myself, that I forgot it isn’t my plan at all. So my advice for you today, is to look and listen. God may be speaking to you, so make sure you’re listening. And always keep in mind, it might not go according to YOUR plan, but your plan isn’t near as perfect and wonderful as His.
So, for now, I’m following this life purpose. But I’m doing my best to keep my eyes and ears open just in case God calls me to do something new. Just because His plan has me in one place now, doesn’t mean it won’t change in the future.
Prayers to you that you are able to find your purpose through God’s perfect planning.